Tuesday, 16 March 2010

When I'm feeling blue...

This is not TYSIC. This is the shadow on the other side of TYSIC.

I struggle with intermittant depression and at the moment I'm gritting my teeth at the effort of getting through this winter without the help of anti-depressant medication, similar to Prosac (I came off the tablets just over a year ago having been on them for a year. Before that there'd been 6 months on them and then 6 months off - but the quick relapse was probably cos the 1st course of treatment wasn't long enough. Prior to that I hadn't had a period of depression requiring medication for about 8 years).

When I first read Mark Watson's launch of the TYSIC, my first thought was (as I posted elsewhere) that I hope I'm still around in 10 years - but what I meant by that was not just a wry acknowledgement of life's hazards - such as (in Tim Minchin's words) 'terminal illness or sudden accidental death' No, what flashed through my mind IMMEDIATELY was 'well, I hope I can manage to avoid committing suicide before then.'

Not a good sign - but not as bad as you might think! I am not currently suicidal, and in fact I have never been so deeply depressed that I have lost sight of the effect on those around me if I were to do such a thing. I do sometimes feel trapped by this, but it's a effective deterrant. So in my case morbid thoughts, although significant as a symptom, are not the same as anything ultimately self-destructive.

But life is often something I just tolerate rather than enjoy or value. I am pretty good at monitoring where I am on the slippery slope. I had hoped that a change of job would take away the stress component, but that, it turns out, isn't as crucial a factor as I'd thought - the seasonal thing is perhaps the most influential one. And although the days are now getting longer, with some lovely sunny days from time to time, I may have slid down too far to stop the chemical imbalance in my brain from self-perpetuating.

If I gauge how I am in a few weeks time I may be able to decide if I will end up having to go to the GP after all.

The above is why my first and most important overaching TYSIC is 'Improvement in my emotional wellbeing'

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