Fuck it! That's all I need!
Heard a rather depressing bit of news on the Radio 4 Today programme this morning. Apparently researchers have established (after a 17 year study) that there is an increased risk of developing dementia among those who have had earlier episodes of depression.
Well isn't that just dandy!
Having managed to avoid topping myself so far, despite several fairly bad patches of depressive illness over the years, my 'reward' is likely to be fucking dementia!!!! Well, thank you VERY much.
Kinda takes away the incentive to combat the self-destructive demons next time round: part of me is now thinking 'Better make sure I DO fucking well kill myself before that happens, then!'
Mind you, perhaps, if I don't spot the dementia creeping up on me in time, I will no longer care that I'm going doolally: ah yes, the ultimate escape - as long as one doesn't experience the torture of intermittent lucidity!
I'm not currently depressed. Despite the bleak prospect offered by this research, I don't know if I will ever feel like killing myself again. But these things need to be considered - it's a matter of weighing up the pros and the cons; of questioning the value and quality of life in the light of such factors. Timing becomes crucial: how long do I get to hold onto my marbles?
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I started with depressive episodes in my early 20s. Have been on meds for 21 years. Sometimes I wonder if I am losing my marbles. My memory is horrible. I'm only 53. I just spent a weekend with 2 relatives (by marriage) that have Alzheimers. They are sweet people, but they know they can't remember. It is scary. I think this is why I am trying to live my life over again (mid-life crisis), only I'm starting out with responsibilities, children and no money.
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